Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Open Forum: Do Superheroes Drink?

We here at Seebelow* drink, and we've all been to conventions, so we know that comic book creators drink, but the real question is: Do SuperHeroes Drink? The question was put to the Seebelow* staff...

Brodie: One time when he was in high school, Peter Parker snuck one of Uncle Ben's beers and drank it alone in his room. When he stumbled to the bathroom later that night, he accidentally knocked over Aunt May's favorite vase. Aunt May assumed the fragile boy had caught a chill, but Peter knew the beer was to blame. Haunted by guilt over the incident for days afterward, Peter vowed to never touch alcohol again. "I can't! I don't dare!"

Matt: Based on rereading Avengers #200 for the post I just made, Superheroes DON'T DRINK ENOUGH.

Jon: As a rider to Matt's sentiment, I think we know that whatever Ms.Marvel drank, it contained enough rohypnol to get a rhinoceros raped.

Brodie: Elongated Man drinks Gingold for the stretching, Southern Comfort for the crippling inferiority complex.

Jon: Nowadays, all the Elongated Man drinks is formaldehyde and rainwater that's seeped through six feet of dirt.

Leonard: Wonder Woman literally never drinks anything but wine. She goes through at least three bottles a day, and once, when Superman asked her if she wanted water with a meal, she said "To go swimming?"

Matt : Tony Stark stares at your joke with cold contempt. He loves each and every variety of alcoholic beverage human beings have invented as if they were his own children. He would probably also stick metal pour spouts into his own children, he is after all insanely drunk.

Leonard: Dr. Strange doesn't drink at all (it would disqualify him from scolding Clea for her once-a-year birthday champagne), but sometimes when he's out with the guys, he claims to be a connoisseur of single-malt Scotch whiskey. Everyone knows he's a poseur, though, because he pronounces their names all wrong. (He says his favorite is "Del Winey".)

Matt: Hal Jordan likes Body Shots. Many an alien belly button has been encrusted with lime and salt after Hal passed through. (Then again, we also know Hal enjoys 13 year old girls, like Wolverine, as long as they use power rings to give themselves adult bodies first).

Jon: Haha, silly, Wolverine is not a 13 year old girl!

Matt: Wolverine most certainly is a 13 year old girl ... on the inside, where it counts.

Ed: In a fit of gluttony, the Blob once drank the entire contents of a 1981 Volkswagen Scirocco's gas tank on a dare.

Jon: Man, so did I.

Ed: Robin found the key to the Wayne Manor wine cellar when he was twelve. Since then he's been steadily and resolutely drinking tens of thousands of dollars of Louis XIII de Rémy Martin cognac. Rémy Martin estimates that Bruce Wayne is responsible for nearly 2% of their global sales, yet strangely, Wayne admits that he has never tried any.

Austin: How the hell does that "Bruce Wayne drinks ginger ale and pretends it's champagne" schtick work anyway? Rather poorly I imagine. Sure, I can buy that he's got a couple-three hoity-toity gentleman's club waiters and bartenders on the payroll that he trusts to keep mum about this kind of thing. But he can't possibly rely on this little clique of bat-mixologists full time when he's gadding about town keeping up the irresponsible billionaire playboy routine. Sooner or later someone is going to pour him some actual fine champagne and he's gonna have to drink it. My theory is that it depends on who's writing, as befits the most famous Mary Sue in fiction.

  • Grant Morrison's Batman drinks absinthe.

  • Frank Miller's Batman drinks Mickey's Big Mouths.

  • Grant Breyfogle's Batman drinks Zima (per Leonard)

  • Bob Kane's Batman drinks straight rye.

  • Denny O'Neill's Batman drinks whatever he saw James Bond drink in his last movie.

It doesn't matter, though, because his nanda-parbat drunkenness suprpression training and bat-sober-up pills kick in when they need to.

Brodie: The Thing will drink damn near anything... as long as it's on the rocks!BA-ZING!

1 comment:

  1. Point of order - I have not actually been to a convention.