Friday, May 29, 2009

Open Forum: Do Superheroes Drink Revisisted

Frankly, we had a lot of jokes left over on this topic ...

Wolverine famously enjoys himself a brewski. What isn't generally well know is that Logan's healing factor reacts in a peculiar fashion to the consumption of beer, converting it into Nyquil. It takes a lot of Nyquil not to kill Cyclops as he sleeps.

Jon: I've been giving a lot of thought to Wolverine's drinking habits, particularly his famous predilection towards beer. You'd assume he'd be drinking some particular Canadian brand, but the more I look at the guy, I'm thinking - you know, he's this life-long bachelor with a string of illegitimate children, and everyone in his immediate circle of friends is (to be kind) half his age, if not much younger, or in fact a bunch of thirteen year-old girls. So my thought is that he drinks PBR, and also he's been listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Matt: The Silver Surfer explains to you that in his endless voyages through the ponderous ebon void, studded with the flickering fires of creation itself, he has never found an elixir that can take from him the memory of his beloved Shalla Bal, with who he drank Rose-colored bubblewines from the banks of a crashing river before our world had even risen from its own tumultuous origins. He keeps going on about this for quite some time.

Leonard: Black Widow drinks an incredibly expensive brand of Russian cognac. She lets her dates buy her two or three rounds and then she seems to get really drunk and flirty, and asks them to try it. Five rounds later they're being escorted out of the restaurant by a team of paramedics with an industrial-strength stomach pump, and she orders another snifter (her ninth) and finishes her meal with a tight, knowing little smile on her carmine lips.

The Wasp will only drink alcohol if it meets two of three criteria: (a) frozen, (b), containing passion fruit, and/or (c) ending in "tini" but not starting with "mar".

Booster Gold likes Kahlua and Coke. Meet him just once; you’ll find out within five minutes, when he asks you if you’ve ever tried Kahlua and Coke, like he does everyone. He’s downright evangelical about it. (Batman almost vetoed his JLA membership over the issues.) The sad thing is, he thinks it’s a crazy drink from the far future, and that us poor 21st-century peasants will totally have our minds blown when he introduces us to Kahula and Coke, and the fact that pretty much everyone in America first tried it at 14 while raiding their parents’ liquor cabinet never dims his enthusiasm.

Ghost Rider drinks at least a fifth of 100-proof Jack Daniels every half hour. It just runs out the bottom of his skull and drips all over his leather jacket, but he keeps drinking it just the same. Occasionally the flame from his head will catch it afire, making a lovely blue-orange flame that burns for long minutes, suffused with the smell of scorched cowhide.

Ed: MODOK loves a Cuba Libre.

Matt: The more I think about it the more convinced I am that Superman's a beer drinker. Dude grew up in Kansas.

Jon: I know most folks say that Superman doesn't drink, and sure, why would he (or for that matter, why wouldn't he, just to be a jerk, or to get on YouTube? "Watch me down this crate of Fleischmann's in forty seconds and not yak!"). Still, I like it when Superman has the occasion to go into a bar (in the comics, that is, not in Superman III, for reasons that are self-evident). This is because of what is possibly my favorite movie trope, wherein the good guy goes into a bar, and the bartender asks him "what's your poison," and the guy replies "Milk." And every time, there's some sort of situation which proceeds subsequently thereafter, either the bartender giving the guy a hairy eyeball, or a bunch of other tough guys gather around the milk-drinker and start pushing him around, and then a fight breaks out and, naturally, the milk-drinker just lays fresh tile with anybody giving him shine. And then, you know what happens? You know what happens every time? THEN THE BARTENDER GIVES THE GUY HIS MILK! He had it all the time! Of COURSE the bar stocks milk! Of COURSE the tough guy bar where tough fuckers are throwing soup bones and shivving each other and having at Jodie Foster on the pinball machine twenty-four seven has milk, they need it for the White Russians.

Austin: Luke Cage - Guinness Stout with a shot of Jagermeister dropped in the glass. That's called "Black on Black Crime" and it's Luke's job to eliminate black on black crime! It's also nasty as hell but gets you fucked up fast, which is very important.

Brodie: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles drink PIZZA SHOTS! DUDE! RADICAL!

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